Heal. Align. Empower.

I was five years old when my family joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (the Mormon Church). As a young boy, I loved it! Within the church I had lots of friends and activities and my parents were both very involved in leadership. Mom was in relief society and Dad ultimately became the first counselor to the bishop of our ward. As I got older I also became very involved. By the time I was in High school I was leading the music program for the younger children and working with the leadership to organize and plan youth conferences and other events. I was seen as someone special. I was very well respected and seen as someone who would do great things in the church.

 

What they couldn't see, and what I lacked the capacity to understand, were the parts of myself that were suffocating. Through all the songs in Sunday school, lessons in Bible study, my time in the Boy Scouts (sponsored by the Mormon Church) fireside gatherings, and the myriad of social events, these programs that were meant to teach me how to be a good person and earn God's love, I learned to fear my own thoughts, to be ashamed of my feelings and to suppress my energetic sensitivities. I learned that I was not enough and that my natural self was unworthy. And I accepted this. I believed that If I dedicated myself to the church, if I prayed hard enough and fasted long enough, all the "bad" parts of me would just disappear and then I could truly be happy and I would earn my place in Heaven. This was the path. And I walked it. Until I got tangled in the weeds and I could no longer see my way forward. My entire life revolved around the church and I couldn't see myself outside of it. I was about to turn 19 and I was preparing to go on my mission. But how could I? I was unworthy. I decided not to go. And if that wasn't bad enough, I also moved out of the family home, and I got my best friend pregnant! I had fallen hard! Face first into a giant puddle of guilt and shame but I still held to the belief that the church was the answer. I just needed to pray and fast and God would help me be good again. Until...

​

One hot day, that summer, I was walking down Foothill Blvd and a young woman came jogging past me. I thought, "She's cute." and kept walking. I took maybe three more steps and, caddie corner from me, I saw a guy about my age with messy hair, torn jeans, a white tank top and black Converse high tops. He was holding a skateboard and waiting to cross the street. I couldn't stop looking at him and I whispered to myself, "Holy smokes! He's beautiful!". I was in shock. How could such a thought have escaped the steel box they were normally kept in? How could I have acknowledged such a thing...out loud? But suddenly, it didn't matter because somehow I felt a little lighter. It felt good to let it out...to feel it! And it occurred to me that perhaps God wasn't testing me...no, He was showing me! And then I heard my voice, as if spoken by someone else, say, " Holy S#!t, I'm Gay!". I found myself giggling, then laughing, then crying and oh so happy. I felt like I had just woken up! God had unlocked that steel box and set me free. I felt different. I finally understood, at least in part, something about myself, my true self! And for the first time, I felt worthy. I felt a great light swell inside me and In that moment I understood a great truth. God is LOVE! This was not the God I had been taught to fear. This was not the judgmental God of manipulation and control.That was the God of men. What I was feeling, what had touched me, was bigger and brighter and I wanted to know it!

Within a couple months, I had come out to the world and left the Mormon church. For the most part, my friends and coworkers were all very supportive. My Mom and Dad, however, were a different story.They stopped speaking to me. I was devastated but i certainly didn't blame them. I had been very busy that year! I had turned my back on the church, moved out of the family home, impregnated my best friend, come out as gay, and became a father to a beautiful little girl! Certainly enough to make anyone's head spin! Within a very short period of time, their good little Mormon boy had become a completely different person. They didn't know me anymore. I never doubted that they still loved me. They just didn't know what it all meant or what to do with it. It has always been tradition in my family to gather and celebrate on Christmas eve. And although that year I hadn't been invited...I hadn't not been invited either. So, I gathered up my courage and my best friend, Kattie, and went to the family Party. It was extremely awkward and a little sad. I would often sing at these family gatherings and I decided that this Christmas eve was not going to be any different. I stood up and just started singing my favorite Christmas song,"Oh Holy Night". I barley finished the song through my tears and by the end of it, everyone was up on their feet, hugging and crying. We were all together again! After that, I was able to sit with Mom and Dad and talk. We sat at the kitchen table and I answered all their questions, as best I could. I think they realized that I hadn't "stopped" being myself...I was finally becoming myself. Not long after, my family also left the Mormon church.

​

Here began the work of reclaiming the parts of myself I had squashed or given away. The ever growing path of discovery, acceptance and Love of Self. Always a work in progress but I do love the work!

​

​

To my Family:

​

I thank the stars and the moon above

I thank the All, for you, my Loves!

You hold me close and lift me up

Your hearts, an overflowing cup.

Through pain and loss and Love and light

together we dance through the night

and celebrate the morning dew

for you have Me and I have You!

​